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Feb. 20th, 2006 @ 02:32 pm Boa vs. Python/Thoughtcrimes fic.
trinityofone pointed me over here, and I'd just been thinking the other day that there's really nowhere I can post my crazy crossover crack, and now there is. Atlantis fandom is the best thing ever.

Title: When Brendan Met Emmett.
Author: Nixa Jane.
Pairing: Brendan Dean/Dr. Emmett.
Rating: NC-17.
Summary: "Are you like all really bored over there at NSA, or something? Don't you have anything better to do?"



"Hello?"

Brendan Dean tapped on the door lightly, before leaning forward with his hands cupped against the glass, eyes trying to scan inside. He sighed irritably when he could see nothing through the tinted glass and rolled back on his heels.

"Looking for something?"

Brendan spun around, his eyes widening as he caught sight of the man at the bottom of the stairs. His hair was sticking out in odd directions, not that he could say much on that considering his own hair, and he was wearing a tight green t-shirt with cargo pants and boots. He looked very little like the mad scientist Brendan had pictured on the long drive to the lab, but Brendan missed little, and his eyes locked onto a crooked nametag that hung on the lab coat dangling in his hands--it read Dr. Emmett.

Brendan jogged down the steps so they were eye level, and gave his best 'you're going to have to like me' smile while he held out his hand. "I'm Agent Brendan Dean..."

"No," Emmett snapped.

Brendan's eyes widened and his hand fell back to his side. "No what?"

"Whatever you want," he said, tilting back his head, "the answer is no. I'm done with the whole Rambo thing, but thanks all the same. Betty is no longer for hire, and neither am I."

"And Betty would be?" Brendan asked, tilting an eyebrow up.

Emmett crossed his arms. "My snake," he said.

Brendan's eyes strayed down. "You named it Betty?"

"Oh for...my snake," Emmett snapped.

Brendan grinned widely. "Yes, I know, you're a herpetologist, Dr. Emmett." Brendan tried holding out his hand again, this time Emmett took it, shaking it once before letting go and watching him warily the entire time.

"Right, well, as I said, the answer is no," Emmett said.

"And I still haven't asked a question," Brendan said wryly.

"You want to use my snake as a bloodhound, don't you?" Emmett said, pointing at him. "Well, it's not happening. She's barely recovered."

Brendan nodded, biting his lip. "I'm sorry that your snake Betty is still recovering, but I don't actually want to use her as a bloodhound. I didn't actually know snakes could be used as bloodhounds, as a matter-of-fact; I'm here to audit you."

If anything, Emmett looked even more horrified. "You're with the IRS?"

"No," Brendan said, drawing the word out. "I'm with the NSA. I'm just here to make sure you aren't trying to take over the world with a giant Boa. The people I work for worry about things like that, you understand, but it's really just a precaution."

"Oh," Emmett said. He glanced back over at Brendan suspiciously. "That's really the only reason you're here?"

Brendan rolled back on his heels again, trying to look innocent. "Yep, that's all."

Emmett started up the steps at a jog. "Okay," he said. "You can come in." He unlocked the door and held it open, motioning Brendan in.

Brendan grinned and wandered inside, eyes taking in the glass cages and snakes. "Nice set-up," he said.

"Yeah, I'm blackmailing the Feds for money," Emmett said.

Brendan looked unfazed. "Really?"

Emmett nodded. "They almost killed me. Apparently they didn't understand that I'm not actually combat trained."

Brendan leaned down to look inside one of the glass compartments, eyes tracking the slithering path of a small red snake. "This place is a bit creepy."

"That's a matter of opinion," Emmett said defensively.

"Yeah, everyone else's," Brendan said, moving over to one of the computers. He glanced at the monitor briefly, scrolling quickly down forty pages before moving on. "So? What are you working on?"

"I don't have to talk to you," Emmett said, crossing his arms again.

Brendan was amused. "I should have brought Freya," he said.

"What?" Emmett asked suspiciously.

"Oh, nothing," Brendan said. "Of course you don't have to talk to me, Dr. Emmett, but don't you want to?" He gave another grin. "I'm a very good listener."

"I've had bad experiences with the government," Emmett said, narrowing his eyes. "So no."

"Can I at least see your snake?" he asked innocently. "I did come all this way."

Emmett rolled his eyes. "Come with me," he said. He led Brendan to a vault door, and then through it and through another before reaching a large red tinted room. He pointed at the huge curled body of a boa. "There. You've seen it."

Brendan's eyes widened. "Wow, your snake is really big."

"Would you stop that?" Emmett snapped. "Call her Betty."

Brendan grinned. "Wow, your Betty is really big."

Emmett held out his hand. "Badge," he said. "Now. I don't believe you're really an agent for the NSA."

Brendan handed over the badge before leaning forward towards the snake. "Can I touch it?" he asked.

"If you want to get swallowed whole, be my guest," Emmett said, as he scanned the badge. "Okay, so you're legit. I fear for our future. Really, I do."

Brendan laughed, stepping away from the snake again and grabbing his badge back. "Dr. Emmett, are you trying to take over the world with a Boa?"

Emmett sighed. "Are you like all really bored over there at NSA, or something? Don't you have anything better to do?"

"Oh, come on," Brendan said. "You like me."

"I don't like you," Emmett said.

"You like me a little bit," Brendan argued. "Everyone likes me at least a little bit. I'm told I'm very charming."

"You're hot," Emmett said, "not charming. There's a difference."

"You think I'm hot," Brendan said, pointing at him. "See? We're getting along already."

"But I don't like hot people," Emmett snapped. "Hot people waltz into your life all sunny and talking about dolphins and then they take off for Miami."

Brendan's eyes widened. "Okay, walked into something with that. Look, I don't know what you're talking about, but you're a hot person too, so I really don't think some kind of bias against us beautiful people is at all fair."

"You think I'm hot?" Emmett asked, disbelieving.

"Are you kidding?" Brendan asked, motioning towards him with a wavy move of his hand. "You've got that whole...rakish thing going for you. Very sexy."

"Wow," Emmett said. "I don't think anyone's ever called me sexy before."

"You don't get out much, do you?" Brendan asked wryly.

Emmett shrugged. "I don't really need to. Apparently beautiful people have a habit of showing up on my doorstep."

"So...anyway," Brendan said, "before we started pointing out our respective attributes, we were talking about how you were going to take over the world, or not, as the case may be."

"Oh," Emmett said. "Not. No, I'm just looking for a universal cure for snake bites."

Brendan nodded. "Okay. It's always good to hear someone isn't bent on world domination. Makes my job a lot easier." Brendan pointed to the vault door. "Can we--?"

"Oh, sure," he said, quickly opening it so they could return to the main lab.

Once they had made their way into the lab again, Brendan started towards the doors. "Take care of yourself, Dr. Emmett."

Emmett glared at him. "What, you're leaving?"

Brendan spun back towards him. "Well, I only came to make sure you weren't doing any illegal research."

"But you haven't looked at my computers or anything--you've done a horrible job!" Emmett snapped.

Brendan grinned widely, pointing towards the computer monitor on the desk. "The Universal Cure, by Dr. Emmett, in the field of herpetology, specifically in the study of snakes--"

"That's my paper!" Emmett shouted.

Brendan grinned. "Yep. Memorized the whole thing word for word. Photographic memory. Neat trick, huh?"

"You're going to steal my work!" he screamed, outraged. "You were sent here to seduce me and steal my work!"

Brendan raised an eyebrow. "No, actually, I couldn't really care less about snakes, and I was only seducing you for fun. You looked like you needed to lighten up."

"All you've done is reminded me of my last heartbreak," Emmett snapped. "You're a horrible person. At least I got some fantastic sex out of Monica."

"Only fantastic?" Brendan asked. "Sex with me is spectacular."

"I think I hate you," Emmett said.

"Sorry," Brendan said, smiling sweetly. "I've gotten in the habit of speaking every thought I have out loud, since with my partner, it doesn't make much of a difference."

"How do I know you're not going to steal my work?" Emmett asked haughtily.

"Because I'm a math nerd with a gun?" Brendan said. "I told you I don't care about snakes, I just came to make sure you were on the level, which you appear to be, and now I'm going to leave."

Emmett frowned to himself for a minute, before looking back up at him. "You said it was a long drive," Emmett said. "Are you staying in town tonight?"

Brendan put his hands in his pockets and smiled. "Any particular reason you'd like to know?"

Emmett grinned a little himself. "Well, as you pointed out, I don't get out much."

Brendan walked back over to him, still smiling, and hopped up on one of the lab counters. "I guess I could stick around for a while, if you're not busy."

Emmett continued frowning at him. "I meant we could go out, you know--out."

"Out?" Brendan said. "We're in the middle of nowhere. Where are we going to go?"

"What, you just want to watch me work?" Emmett asked snappishly. "You are trying to steal my ideas, aren't you?"

Brendan laughed. "That's my partner Freya's game, not mine. I'm just an observer."

"You talk about this Freya a lot," Emmett said, narrowing his eyes. "Are you and her..."

"You talk about Monica a lot," Brendan said wryly, "but I've had the good taste to ignore you and not ask."

"Fine," Emmett said. "Don't tell me. I can guess. You probably sleep with her all the time, but I don't care, really. I don't even know you."

"You're right, you don't know me," he said. "And you're so completely and utterly wrong. Sex with Freya would creep me out for reasons I can't really talk about. It's never going to happen. I did sleep with her sister, though."

Emmett glared at him and sat down in front of his computer, deciding to ignore that. "The NSA really thought I might be trying to take over the world?"

"No," Brendan said, "but they thought you might be running some dangerous experiments that may be a threat to National Security. Something about an incident in Philadelphia a couple months ago."

"That wasn't my fault," Emmett said. "That can be blamed on your government."

Brendan shrugged out of his jacket, ignoring him. "Is it hot in here?" he asked as he threw the jacket on a chair and pulled at his tie.

Emmett watched him, disbelievingly. "Why do I feel like I've just stumbled into a gay porno film?"

"I don't know," Brendan said. "Gay porno never starts out this way. Maybe you're just weird."

Emmett stood up and watched Brendan suspiciously. "Monica didn't send you here, did she? Are you some kind of gigolo? Because she threatened to do that once, to test a theory."

"Do I look--no, don't answer that," Brendan said, rolling his eyes. "Yes, I really am an NSA agent, and no, I'm not after your work, and yes, it really is just hot in here--we're not part of a porno."

"Are you sure?" Emmett asked. "Because suddenly I have the irresistible urge to take off all of my clothes, too."

Brendan shot him a crooked grin. "No, that's a perfectly natural reaction to being within my presence."

Emmett's eyes widened. "You're like the sluttiest person I've ever met."

"Hey, you're the one that said they wanted to get naked," Brendan said. "I just said it was hot, which it is."

Emmett paused. "It's the artificial environment," he said after a moment. "For the snakes."

"Like it hot, huh?" Brendan asked with a wide grin.

Emmett swallowed. "Uh..."

"If this were a porno," Brendan said pensively, "this would probably be where I said something like 'take me', don't you think?"

Emmett walked over to him, and Brendan grabbed his belt to tug him between his legs, and whispered, "So take me."

"Are you like...I mean, one of those sex-a-holic people that will do it with anyone?" Emmett asked, as Brendan started unbuckling his belt. "Not that I'm complaining but..."

"I've just got a thing for doctors," Brendan said, leaning forward to suck on Emmett's neck in way that left him moaning, "but if you'd like me to stop..."

"No no no," Emmett said. "Please continue. I have a thing for people that have a thing for doctors."

"I'm not actually supposed to do this with people that I'm investigating," Brendan said.

"I won't tell if you don't," Emmett said, as he worked on the buttons of Brendan's shirt.

"Freya will know," Brendan said, with a frown.

"Stop talking about the girl you never slept with," Emmett said, "I'm trying to have sex here."

"Well don't let me get in the way," Brendan said, amused, at which point Emmett pushed his shirt open and pushed him back on the counter before following him up, and straddling him. "Nice counters. Very spacious."

"This is the med table where I perform surgery on Betty," Emmett said.

Brendan's lip curled up. "Oh, I wish you hadn't told me that."

"Don't worry, it's sterile," Emmett said.

"This would never happen in a porno," Brendan said primly. "I'm not doing this on a gurney for a giant snake."

Emmett pulled back with a huff. "Well, okay, where then? My desk chair? In Betty's habitat? The floor?"

"No, god no, and I don't think so," Brendan said. "Don't you have anywhere with pillows?"

Emmett rolled his eyes. "Noooo, this is a herpetology lab, Brendan." Brendan pushed himself up and off the gurney, sliding to land on his feet. Emmett grabbed him and pulled him back against him, leaning down to whisper in his ear. "I could bend you over my desk."

Brendan let his head fall back against Emmett's shoulder and licked his lips, nodding. "Nice," he said. "Okay, let's do that..."

Emmett jumped up from the gurney and grabbed Brendan's arm, tugging him along behind him. Brendan's white button-up shirt was open and Emmett pushed him against the desk, pushing it off his shoulders and letting it hit the ground.

Brendan surged forward against him, kissing him hotly and for the first time, and grabbing at the hem of his shirt. Brendan pulled his lips away only long enough to rip the shirt over Emmett's head and then they were kissing again, and Emmett was working his pants down his hips.

Brendan unbuckled Emmett's cargo pants, wondering as he did at the man's wardrobe. It certainly didn't run along the lines of geek chic, or pocket protectors; the man looked like he was about to go rock climbing. He paused in his kiss and pulled back. "You are really Dr. Emmett, aren't you?"

"What kind of question is that?" Emmett snapped.

"Well, you've asked me at least three times if I'm really from NSA, but I never--"

Emmett leaned forward and captured his mouth again, before responding. "Yes, I'm Emmett, you're Brendan, I'm a herpetologist, you're a Special Agent, and this is spectacularly stupid of us both--can we get on with it?"

"You could at least try and woo a guy," Brendan said with mock outrage. "I didn't even get dinner."

"I promise I'll buy you dinner," Emmett said, "and because you're so very very hot, you can even get the most expensive thing on the menu."

"You're just saying that to get in my pants," Brendan said, and grinned. "Nice tactic."

"I'm already in your pants," Emmett said, reaching back to cup Brendan's ass and pull him up against him. Brendan shuddered at the contact and Emmett kissed him again before turning him around. Brendan gave a breathless laugh and leaned forward over the cold metal desk, grabbing onto the sides for balance.

Emmett leaned over him, pressing Brendan into the cold surface and pulling a gasp from him as he reached over to the side to pull open one of the drawers. He pulled out a small tube of sunscreen and popped off the cap. Emmett leaned forward and pressed a kiss to the back of Brendan's neck as he slipped a finger gently inside of him.

Brendan gave a choked gasp and Emmett smiled, soaking up the sound. He continued to stretch Brendan open as the smell of sex and sunscreen filled the room. Brendan glanced behind him, looking at Emmett with a wicked grin through strands of black hair. "What's the hold up?" he said. "I thought you wanted to get on with it."

Emmett glared at him, and reached down to grab his hips. He slid in easily, but forcefully, causing Brendan's knuckles to turn white as he held onto the desk tighter. "How's that?" Emmett whispered.

"Move it or I'll move for you," Brendan ground out between pants and Emmett laughed.

"Is that supposed to be a threat?" he asked, but he pulled out and pushed back in; the entire desk shuddered and creaked at the movement, the sound nearly drowning out the moans.

Emmett reached between Brendan and the desk, gently taking the other man's cock in his hand and stroking it in time with his thrusts. Brendan's hold slipped and his feet slid further apart, catching on the black slacks still around his ankles but managing to give Emmett better access. He thrust up and Brendan moaned and then was coming, spilling over his hand.

Emmett tightened his hold on Brendan's hips and thrust in again, pulling out nearly to the tip before surging forward one last time before he followed him. The lights seemed to flicker for a moment as he fell onto of Brendan, panting and floating pleasantly in a hazy post-sex state.

Emmett stayed that way for a few minutes, listening to Brendan's breathing beneath him, before he finally got the energy to move. He pushed himself up and pulled out carefully, before helping Brendan to stand up too and pulling him up against him. The standing thing was harder than either of them remembered, so they both fell against the nearest wall and slid to the floor.

They were still wearing their boots and their pants were around their ankles, their shirts on opposite sides of the room, and they knew this should all probably concern them a lot more than it was. "Wow," Emmett said. "You were right. It was spectacular."

Brendan nodded, still dazed and sated. "You weren't so bad yourself."

"I was spectacular," Emmett agreed. "We should do it again sometime."

Brendan nodded. "You still owe me a dinner," he reminded.

Emmett laughed. "As soon as I can move again, I promise I'll take you to the most expensive place I know."

Brendan nodded and then fell against him. "This is going to give Freya some interesting visuals," Brendan muttered to himself, breathlessly.

"What?" Emmett asked, pulling him closer and running a hand through his hair.

Brendan laughed. "Photographic memory," he said, shrugging off the slip about Freya and grinning wickedly. "I've got a porno playing in my head."
About this Entry
au mcshep
laytoncolt:
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From:trinityofone
Date:February 20th, 2006 11:44 pm (UTC)
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YAY! And hee, this is even funnier than I remembered--you've got some really great banter going there. Not to mention..."interesting visuals," indeed!
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From:laytoncolt
Date:February 21st, 2006 04:44 am (UTC)
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Hee, thanks! And thanks for the heads up on the comm, I think I'll like it here. ;-)
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From:coreopsis
Date:February 21st, 2006 12:50 am (UTC)
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Okay, that last bit makes me feel a little jealous of Freya. *g* Loved the banter.
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From:laytoncolt
Date:February 21st, 2006 04:47 am (UTC)
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Hee, I'm a lot jealous of Freya. ;-) Thanks!
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From:emeraldteal
Date:February 22nd, 2006 08:51 am (UTC)
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Hi, I just stumbled upon this comm and OMG! I love this! lol, their banter is so neat! I was smirking all the way, hee! I'd love to have seen this on screen. Thanks so much for sharing! *g*
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From:laytoncolt
Date:February 26th, 2006 11:45 pm (UTC)
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Thank you! :-)
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From:fledge
Date:February 24th, 2006 07:03 am (UTC)
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"You don't get out much, do you?" Brendan asked wryly.

Emmett shrugged. "I don't really need to. Apparently beautiful people have a habit of showing up on my doorstep."


LOL I loved that line. And the line about bringing sunshine and dolphins into his life then leaving for Miami *G* I always thought he'd be better off with Betty anyhow.

Brendan and Emmett really are the AU versions of John and Rodney, aren't they, if John hadn't joined the Air Force and Rodney had taken up the biological instead of the physical sciences.

I liked the way Brendan wouldn't have sex with Freya because it would creep him out *G* Maybe this is a kind of pay-back, having hot dirty sex with strangers which he knows she'll see; teach her to keep out of his mind! Although somehow I can see him deliberately projecting the porno at her during a briefing or some similarly inconvenient time, and grinning innocently the whole while. I don't think he'd ever quite forgive her for their first assignment, when he didn't know what she could do, no matter how much they became friends.
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From:laytoncolt
Date:February 26th, 2006 11:47 pm (UTC)
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Aw, thank you so much! And yes, there's a lot about these two characters that remind me of John and Rodney, and a bit of fun role reversal, too. They're a lot of fun to play with. :-)
From:ngaio
Date:March 21st, 2006 06:48 pm (UTC)
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I wanna be Freya! Oh for the visuals!
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From:laytoncolt
Date:March 21st, 2006 09:34 pm (UTC)
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Hee. :-)
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From:velven
Date:August 16th, 2006 04:05 pm (UTC)
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Wow, I think you just made Brendan/Emmett my cross fandom OTP! :D

*wants interesting visuals too*